This update is all about my daily struggles and what I mentally come up against.

Some days are easier than others to stay in the positive mindset and other days it is a real struggle to let the negativity roll off of my shoulders and not “give” into it. I think most can relate to those times where you know/are aware not to react but then your ego gets the best of you and you lash out. This doesn’t even have to be verbally lashing out – a lot of times, this is in my own head. For example, something irritates me and instead of just acknowledging the irritation and then letting it go, my mind will constantly replay the situation in my head over and over where it just puts me in a bad mood. Later, when I eventually move on from it, it is then that I realize how much energy I wasted and in a negative way. But when I am  in the moment (because I am human), it is harder for me to rise above.

Another struggle is silent mediation. I am trying to “connect” more so instead of sticking to the guided mediations, I have been using a mediation that plays soft music and will ring a bell when my time is almost up. However, probably half of that time is me telling myself to “shut up”! This is an example of what happens: “Breathe slowly, in and out” – mind is clear – “Oh crap, I have to do this and that (trails off for I don’t know how long)” “Wait, shut up – clear your mind” – mind is clear – “drop it low girl drop -drop it low” “Great, now I have a song in my head” ….. this is my mind. Guided meditations are so much easier because I am a great visualizer so having someone talk to me about what to visualize, I can work right along with it and can get a better mediation session in this way. However, I feel like I really need to work on silencing my mind which will benefit me out of a mediation session as well.

Overthinking/self-doubt. If ANYTHING is a struggle for me, it revolves around these two topics. I overthink way too much to the point of talking myself out of something that I would probably actually would enjoy doing. But I get in my head and start questioning myself. Add self-doubt to that combination and it is just a bad situation. I will find reasons to add to the overthinking that really pulls me the opposite way in which I really want to go …should I/shouldn’t I…will I be good enough…will I fail…what will happen if…I don’t know if I can pull this off… what will they say/think… etc. In general, people are their own worst critic and are generally harsh on themself. I am learning/trying to overcome this toxic mentality because at the end of the day – if I cannot motivate myself or think highly of myself – how am I going to expect myself to succeed? You can’t count on people’s opinions to do it for us and in fact, we shouldn’t. People will judge, have negative things to say, put you down, etc. because people are insecure themselves, that they become critical to the outside world rather than fixing what is wrong and going within themselves. Usually, it is much easier to point out someone else’s flaws than your own.  

Overall, I have my ups and downs throughout the week. I try to be aware of my thoughts and actions and some days are awesome while others I look at as a lesson. But I guess that is life in general, without the bad – there is no good. There is always a balance – a yin and a yang.

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